So, I’ve decided that it’s time for me to have a career. The problem with this epiphany is two fold. One: My major is not one that is ever going to make me money. My journalism degree is going to get me three things: A job that pays a $20,000 annual salary with no benefits, a lot of cats, and a funny aroma. And two: even if I opted to fall back on my other empirical talents to make money I’m faced with the issue of not really having any empirical talents. Well, let me rephrase: I have tons of empirical talents, only none of them seem capable of translating into monetary gain. This has got to end somewhere, so I’ve decided to sort of use this whole Blog thing as a way to market myself. You know, make my talents easily accessible. That way, when it’s time to go to the show, people can prepare themselves accordingly.
First off: I can say the alphabet backwards. It’s true. I can even do the little hook at the end… I was thinking about writing it down, but I really don’t think that has the same allure being that it doesn’t really prove anything. I can also blow bubbles off of my tongue. It took a really long time to perfect that little trade, and apparently other people don’t find it anywhere near as cool as I do. In fact, it grosses people out. Speaking of grossing people out, I also happen to be very bendy. Not in a kinky, sexual kind of way- more in a, “hmm…” kind of way. As a matter of fact, I have this incredible ability to make people furrow their eyebrows. Not a great talent, but who knows… they did let Ethel Merman on Broadway, after all.
I also watch a lot of movies and subsequently can have entire conversations where I don’t need to have an original thought. This seems to have great mass appeal. I’m also really good with episodes of “Friends”, and I reference the characters as if I know them. Because, I really feel that I do.
I think I could write the lyrics for the member of Boyz II Men with the low voice who talks in the background. Example: “Baby, I know you cheated on me and left my heart broke. But I love you, girl. So come back to me. I’ll rub your feet and kiss your mouth” If that’s not poetry, I don’t know what is. Only one who could do better is probably T-Pain with his, “She made us drinks to drink, we drunk ‘em got drunk”. We’re in a true renaissance era… ANYWAY, if Boyz II Men is planning a come back in the near future, you know where to find me.
I could be an Olympic medalist at those games where they mix up a bunch of letters and you need to make words out of them. If only the Olympics had a category involving such things. That’s the world I one day want to live in. I am so obsessed with these anagram games that when I close my eyes, I see groups of letters and I unjumble them. Ps, my computer just informed me that unjumbled is not a word. I’m leaving it, though. Maybe I could be a person who adds words to the language when I see fit. If that were my profession, I could just backhand my computer for doubting me.
This is probably the most serious of my aspirations: I want to own the headquarters that gives the right to use quotation marks. People misuse them all the time, and it really infuriates me. “Weekend” specials. Fifty percent “more” beef. “Friendly” staff. STD “free”. All things that cause concern. All would be stamped with a mark of rejection by CHAQUA (Christine Hammond’s Acceptable Quotation Usage Academy)… What a catchy anagram. Can’t make many words out of it though.
I also think I would be an above average commentator for VH1 countdown shows. There have got to be, oh, I don’t know, thousands of countdown shows on VH1, and all of the women they have employed are completely awful. I don’t even think they know what’s going on most of the time, and that does not translate into comedic genius. I would have to be an upgrade for the outreach candidates they currently have employed. Besides, I’m a perfect choice: I love trashy tv. I don’t love it in spite of being trashy, either. Nay, I love it BECAUSE it’s trashy. I know the “Rachel” is a haircut. I had a snap bracelet. I know the importance of Joey Lawrence’s immortal “Whoa!” I can sing every word to every song on Paula Abdul’s “Forever Your Girl” Album. Why? Because it was the first tape I ever owned, and I would listen to it in my WALKMAN. That’s right. My Walkman. I’ve seen Coolio. I love Journey. I have a really odd obsession with John Stamos, up to and including knowing the fact that he was an actual member of the Beach Boys. I know that Winnie Cooper is now a mathematician (she graduated from UCLA). I know every terrible song ever created and who sings it. I really don’t mind embarrassing myself publicly. And last but certainly not least: I really love making fun of people. I’m annoyed by everything, and I have really scathing remarks to say about just about everything.
So, if any of you have any sort of need for any of these talents, and would like to pay me large amounts of money (or know anyone that would), then contact me. Or, if you aren’t really in need of any of these things off hand and would like to pay me large amounts of money anyway, I’m all about that. I really have no shame.
